The archaic parents’ myth of when I was your age I did so and so to become who I am today…to their children has to stop otherwise the dysfunctional families is here to stay’

Family patterns and secrets continue to circulate and affect not only the family level but the entire generations; yet no single parent dares to bravely come up and take responsibility. Despite of the modern environment and availability of many resources, about 85% of African parents pass to their children what has been instilled to them by their own parents and still find someone else to blame for all the damages that may occur.

For many years in Tanzania, most of the failures and evil conducts such as rape and domestic violence happening in societies are rooted back from Poor parenthood and holding on to the culture of keeping silent. It is about the time the beans are spilled on the table.

What is the cause?

From the research and different interviews done by this magazine, the gap of communication between parents and children is mentioned to be a number one reason to family dysfunctionality in this country. Many parents have been taken away from their families especially children by their jobs, and other tasks. Currently; Mothers for instance, have been clueless on what potential do their children have or what kind of women are their daughters supposed to become because they have offered their precious parenthood job to the nannies. As a result, many children are not raised rather they grow up based on the nannies mindsets. 

 In her recent speech at the Parliament House in Dodoma, the Minister of Healthy H.E Honorable Ummy Mwalimu has called for all parents to become more watchful and closely communicate to their children because different people from neighbors, to School to friends and other strangers are either directly or indirectly involved to the growth of these children. 

Speaking as a parent Ummy Mwalimu said; “Dear parents, despite of your busy schedule you must allocate a significant amount of time for your child. Ask them how their day was … because I can assure you many Children experience different levels of abuse such as sexual violence and find nobody to share with”.

 In their Mid-Year Human Rights Report 2018; Legal and Human Rights Center (LHRC) stated that Sodomy incidents have increased from 12 in the first half of 2017 to 533 in the first half of 2018. Such incidents are also common in schools, including primary schools and boarding schools. In the mid-2017 to the mid-2018, Child rape incidents rose from 759 to 2365. Unfortunately due to the gap of communication, these cases always remain unsolved because it is a shame to the families. It is very likely to find a circle of molestation grow enormously because the culprits are strongly being protected. 

Explaining her own experience from how she was raised to what she has seen in different parts of the world, the former diplomatic Maryam Ismail said Dysfunctionality is a global problem that happens everywhere and to all classes and races regardless of the educational background the family may have. Maryam told The Tanzaniene that many parents have become available but not present to their children due to both parents being fully occupied. She said lack of communication is also happening between the parents.
“They both have money and titles. They cannot even discuss and resolve their own personal issues, how you are expecting them to have time for their children in the world of several nannies, Maryam questioned.

I would go to visit my 9 years old son at School in Uganda; the teacher will be astonished to see me at the end of every month because there are kids whom have not seen their parents for six months…this broke my heart. I have been to Asia, Europe and America… we all have the common problem”. She said. Maryam added that; acknowledging issues is the first step towards healing but many parents have their dark stories that are too ashamed to address as a result, their children are more likely to experience the same pattern. On a serious note however; the concept of parenthood must be well understood to both male and female parents. Given that the mothers have been given the privilege of being the primary teachers and providing nurturing to the children, fathers should also not forget of their equally responsibility of communicating because it is not only their right but a failure to do so, may lead to society not being able to accommodate tones of unhappy individuals whose childhood went unchecked. 

Something is amiss…

Looking a bit deeper into this issue, it is probably about the time that parents start to evaluate their parenthood mechanism by directing more focus on them other than their children…that is what a US Clinical Psychologist Doctor Shefali Tsabary calls a Traditional Parenting versus Conscious Parenting. Sadly; many parents in the world are the victim of the traditional parenting whose focus is on fixing the child. In this methodology, Dr. Shefali explains that the parents have been conditioned by the culture and experience they gained during their own childhood of which they impose to their children regardless of its hidden psychological dangers. Eventually; the parents unknowingly find themselves talked their ideas, dreams and expectations to their children instead of listening to a child’s own calling. Expressing their opinions to this Magazine a group of High School students in their mid-20s opened up on how much difficult it is for them to cope between who they are and who they should be according to the parents’ ideation. Many have agreed that their parents had invented high expectation on them based on their desires and not children’s perspective which had made a child’s road to make decision even tougher. 

“I love drawing, it is my passion but since my childhood my parents insisted I must work harder to become a doctor like our neighbor’s child. Unfortunately I didn’t do well in my studies so here I am coping with what the government offered me” emotionally said Jamal.

The conscious parenting on the other hand, is about raising the parent. It has nothing to do with the child and all to do with the child’s wellbeing. It suggests that parents must be present and mirror on their own being when raising their children. The parents have an opportunity to ask themselves how that moment is showing up for them to grow, and what does it say about the parents’ unhealed baggage because if they don’t govern these psychological baggage, the chance to project them directly to their children is high.

A dysfunctional family is the one that has at its central vicious and destructive parenting with no concern for the child. The effects on the child may completely go unsung and normally nothing is done to rectify the situation.

By Khadija Amri