Yes, this begins with a pun. A pun about a burn. I’ve just been burned. Literally and figuratively. I’m sitting in my living room half naked, because my burn needs to air out. That’s on the outside. On the inside, I’ve got a fistful of feelings that I also need to air out. Feelings about getting burned. 

To avoid the afternoon heat, I had made a habit of going out for my poor excuse of a run later during the evenings. There was something sublime about the cool breeze and absence of people traffic because well, everyone else was stuck in traffic at that time. I would wave, and occasionally stop to chat with a few familiar faces along the way. Not wanting to be pestered or cat-called by the unpleasant type of familiar face, I would put on a magnificent pair of headphones big enough to at least make me look preoccupied and unapproachable. Power walking as if I was someone twice my age, added a finishing touch to the whole look. 

I like to pride myself on my razor sharp intuition. So when this tall strapping being, who happened to actually be running materialized beside me, I was stunned. Not having heard him approach and get so dangerously close, threw my brain into a reboot sequence. That should have been the first red flag. No, not him, but the fact that I was caught unawares. My intuition would later try again, albeit unsuccessfully, to point out that the aura of this new entity was suspiciously impossible to read. An Aura is the distinctive atmosphere or quality that seems to surround and be generated by a person, thing, or place. His aura was dead quiet, like the dense nothingness of a void. Come to think of it, it felt more like a magnet or a vacuum, drawing things towards it. In the wild, prey animals instinctively become attentive when the noises around them cease. Because this usually indicates a stalking predator. 

I pride myself on more than my intuition. I am also just very prideful. And what they say about big egos [they are me] is that the bigger they are, the harder they fall. 

What would follow that encounter, would take years to unravel. I can’t help but think of the similarities between burning my thigh and leaving that situationship behind. Just like my blindsided intuition, I did not plan on emptying a flaming hot cup of tea onto my own thigh. The burn I sustained, among many other things in life, simply could not be anticipated. And sometimes, we are the unintentional cause of our own pain. I love tea, almost as much as I love people. And like people, tea will only do what it can or what I allow it to do to me. If the tea was cold, nothing would have come out of it. If I had decided to walk away and not engage anyone that evening, nothing would have come of it. But the tea was at maximum temperature, straight out of the kettle. Experiences are intensified by the perspectives and actions of the people involved. In our case, our expectations and actions collided and took a turn for the worst. 

I keep staring at the blistered and bruised skin on my thigh, trying to make out any semblance of what it looked like just a few hours ago. It is tender to the touch and discolored, standing out from the smooth brown skin surrounding it. I can barely recall my personality before all of the heart wrenching romantic experiences I have worked through. I do know that I am a little less trusting, hypersensitive to any signs of conflict or misalignment. What is also hard about leaving difficult situations behind, is accepting that the hurts or experiences are now part of our lives even though they are history. They are at least part of our living memory, for better or worse. We remain the same, but simultaneously changed. Permanently. 

Speaking of airing things out, I did the adult thing and summoned the courage to see a medical professional on what to do with the new wound. Because there are things that other people are better qualified to assess and help us treat. Therapy has been the most expensive and most life changing investment I have ever made. A few weeks into a soul sucking depression will have anyone, thinking thoughts they never would under different circumstances. My first instinct when the scalding hot liquid hit my skin, was to get it off by vigorously rubbing the clothes I was wearing. Of course this only served to damage it further. I am now the proud owner of zigzag scar lines and can almost see into my own flesh. The human thing to do when we are in indescribable emotional pain is to want to make it stop.

Sometimes permanently. Drinking and smoking had worked for me for a little while. Then they made me hate myself more as I watched my health decline, fully aware that I was doing it to myself. Therapy helped me find alternative ways to cope with my intense emotions. 

Our intuitions are supposedly powered by the same mechanisms that run our immune systems. During the pandemic, it was often people who had pre-existing health conditions that suffered the brunt of catching the infection. Along with therapy, educating myself on past traumas has shown me why it was easy for me to be blindsided. I had perfected ignoring the call coming from inside my own body and soul. Along with knowing how to keep us healthy, these systems also know what to do to heal. Thankfully, all I need to do is keep the burnt area clean and dry. This means no tight clothing, soft natural fabrics that allow my skin to breath and the occasional dab of antibiotic ointment when the blisters dry out and form scabs. The worst part of any negative relationship or experience is usually when it is happening. The healing does not or rather should not induce any more pain than the original event unless it unearths something deeper that had always been there. I am aware of how emotional triggers and deficits from my upbringing and socialization contribute to a weak sense of self and poor boundaries. I also know how to recognize people and situations that feed on these vulnerabilities and compel me to compromise my personal integrity. When painful things happen to people who are already emotionally fragile, they tend to feel overwhelmed. Emotional healing involves building resilience and self-trust, so that we’re not caught in repeating cycles of toxicity, like someone who easily catches illness due to a compromised immune system. It means making sure that I am pouring enough into myself that I do not approach relationships with other people from a deficit. Everything from a proper diet, to getting enough sleep and meditating positively influences both physical and emotional health. 

Even if the tea incident had been someone else’s fault, I am the one who suffered the injury. This is not to say that none of my previous romantic partners did anything wrong. But if the wound is on me and I’m the one in pain, it only makes sense to focus on healing myself. And it is a practice. A practice in processing my emotions and providing myself with closure. Releasing any hurts, disappointments, and grievances over unmet expectations. Instead of blaming, avoiding, projecting, and suppressing negative feelings; being with them and emotionally attending to myself. With time, I will heal both physically and emotionally. It is not time itself but rather the space and conditions needed for me to put myself back together that will do the healing. If I embrace a growth mindset, I get to make better choices in the future. As long as I don’t get in the way of it. My body, just like my soul, knows how to heal itself. And I get to move on to other better experiences because I have done my best to learn from and understand previous ones

By Naomi Kessy.